Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin: