Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Mountain Goat : )
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast