Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou