Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.