being a writer on Twitter:
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Sorry not sorry.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I triple waxed for this?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob