You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”