15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
When he asks for feet pics
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Are you a cat person or a person person?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.