Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The biggest mystery of our time
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.