Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
You Might Also Like
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
FRED: right
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!