detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.