Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
You Might Also Like
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Saw online –
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?