[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…