“Great, now I have to pee.”
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I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.