Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
sistine chapel
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
What personal space?
My dog
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.