Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You Might Also Like
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*seductively eats two tums*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
3% human
97% stress
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.