Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
wow he looks just like him
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
You saw nothing. I am ham.