Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point