If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Kermit goes Blue.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings