My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
A choir of Spring onions
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.