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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Otters see a butterfly.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.