Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.