hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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Me too door. Me too.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them