Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
was Jim off killing horses or…
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I put the h in mysterious.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening