My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me refusing to leave twitter
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?