I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
buys donuts instead
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My spirit animal is fried chicken
under no circumstances will my brother take the L