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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.