*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.