The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
they split up moments later
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal