What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant