One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Still my favourite meme.
how much for the angry fruit?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.