[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.