everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Meme Monday.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?