Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Okay me first
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there