Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
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Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”