My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u