If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
*seductively eats two tums*
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*