*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
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Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
that’s really how it is
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets