Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
i spent way too long on this
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Okay me first
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?