I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?