Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕