Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”