Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
You Might Also Like
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor