I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.