I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.