My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!