“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
best review i’ve ever seen
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase