*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
How wrong was this guy?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.