Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I can’t wait!
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.