[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
definitely did not do anything wrong
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
That’s it.I’m out.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.