Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
An odd boast
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Jurassic park gets weird
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night